the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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