I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
