i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
