watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize