Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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