dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
