Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
