Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
