Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
