I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
