I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
