I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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