the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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