i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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