Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
