I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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