Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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