I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
