I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
