The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
