I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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