I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
