what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
