I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
