do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize