"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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