JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
