i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
