I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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