My sheets look like a crime scene.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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