one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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