Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Randomize
