The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
