Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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