i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
