I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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