I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was born a porn star she said
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
