I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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