he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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