I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
