I cannot find my penis.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
