I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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