I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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