Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
