My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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