I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Your cock deserves a montage
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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