So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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