smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
