I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize