im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
