You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
