I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
