I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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