I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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