yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
