I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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