when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
